Coping (John/Sebastian)

Sebastian was taken aback at John's words, hearing the slightly cold tone in his voice. He had been all right two minutes ago. Maybe Sebastian shouldn't have asked in the first place. "I didn't say there was a problem... I..." he mumbled, avoiding John's eyes.

"Look, I didn't mean to offend you... if I did. Well, you said you didn't go along with girls any more so I just thought..." he trailed off, looking slowly back up at the other man and meeting his eyes. "I haven't got a problem with it... it's fine."

John relaxed slightly when Sebastian seemed to be rather taken aback by his reaction. He was probably overreacting. "It's just... a delicate subject for me..." he muttered, and moved a bit on the chair. "You don't seem to be a good person to piss off... and people in the army aren't exactly open about this..."

He sighed, looking to the side. "I know it's fine... but I spent a lot of time pretending I wasn't in love with my best friend, and now he's gone..."

"No, I'm not in fact." he muttered, not really feeling annoyed with John anyway. He wasn't listening much, his head was too busy crammed with other thoughts rather than caring if the other man was gay or not. It wasn't something worth fussing over.

"You know, you're more like me than I would have expected... it's strange..."

"Am I?" he asked, sitting back looking at his small glass as if it could give him any answer.

There was a doubt insinuating in his head now though, Sebastian's words were odd: "Does it mean you are- you also loved-?" he frowned at his own lack of speaking skills.

Sebastian thought about it for a moment, trying to think of an answer. Even though he knew it was obvious.

"Yeah, I guess it does." he answered with a small smile, realising himself and John had something in common that they both wouldn't feel strange talking about.

John couldn't help the soft laugh: "We really found each other, didn't we!" he joked, bending on the table for a moment, it was way too many coincidences.

"I guess it explains why we can't really get over what happened two years ago, doesn't it..." he said, taking the bottle of tequila and pouring a shot. "He probably wouldn't have understood, you know, my friend... he... he didn't care about relationships... I was bound to be unrequited... but I think... just maybe... he might have been happy to know that at least someone loved him... and trusted him..."

"It's mental. I mean, we both loved someone who died... and it happened two years ago as well. Small world, isn't it?" he exclaimed, thinking it weirder than ever. This was some coincidence.

"My friend happened to be insane. And yet, I still cared. Not many people knew him... he probably wouldn't have liked them anyway... but he was different. Probably not in the best way though, but I knew him better than anyone. I know I did..."

John felt like Sebastian was talking about Sherlock, he knew a lot of people had thought his best friend to be a freak, a sociopath, even though he knew better than that.
That was the main difference though, he would have never said Sherlock was insane. Sure he had been an ass most of the time, but he was better than what he ever credited himself to be, he had saved John, he had made him a better person...

Why did you leave me?

"Did he know?" he asked, biting on his lower lip, looking at the tequila in his glass. "Did he know you loved him?" he elaborated.

Sebastian thought about it for a second, not rather sure himself. It had never been easy to tell what Jim was feeling apart from anger or joy. All other emotions had been kept to himself or they had just been hard to spot.

"I think so... I did tell him... he did know." he paused, looking at the broken glass. "I'm not sure if he felt the same though... it's complicated."

John felt his heart clench in his chest again, Sebastian had been able to tell him. "I have never told him... I... God I was just so worried about 'not being gay'," he confessed, despair thick in his voice, he wished he could have told him, so much, just so he knew...

"Have you slept with him?" his voice shook a bit.

"I didn't actually mean to tell him... I was supposed to keep it to myself. But it just... sort of... came out." he admitted, clearing his throat. "Caused a bit of a shock of course..."

Sebastian stared back at John in disbelief at the next question, laughing gently. "Um... well, no." he muttered, pausing again. "You?"

((I'm a big fat liar xD))

John laughed a bit: "I know how that goes," he had said so many things he was not supposed to say, but those really important words were left unsaid and now... well now it was too late.

He shook his head, "No, I don't think... he would have... wanted that..." he admitted with a shrug. "He wasn't one for love... he was always... distant... I thought I got to him, I thought I knew him... but then-" his voice wavered. "Well, you know."

"Have you ever slept with a man?" he asked, his eyes moving on the other's face now.

Sebastian nodded, knowing exactly what John meant. He somewhat felt the same although he had gotten to tell Jim. John hadn't. Showing it was better than saying it though. It meant more.

"No. I've never thought about it to be honest." he answered, his eyes moving back to John's as the other man stared back. "Have you?"

"Well, you surely thought about doing it with him, right?" he suggested, and tapped his lips slowly as he shook his head. "No, never," he admitted and then laughed a bit.

"As gay wannabees we fail miserably, Sebastian," he joked, leaning on the table.

"Yes, I did actually... a lot." he admitted, laughing. Sebastian started drumming his fingers on the table, a usual habit he had that had always annoyed Jim. He grinned, remembering, and knew that there was no one to tell him off for it now.

"We do, don't we?" he laughed, looking up at the ceiling and back to John, grinning.

John felt himself swallow hard, he had never let himself think about those things with Sherlock, they would just make things hurt more now, and he didn't need to be even more miserable than he was.
"What kind of things did you think about?" he asked, biting on his lower lip.

"Yes, I think we do..." he nodded, hiding his gaze. "I have started... watching men differently though... since... I realized I had been in love with him..." he admitted, his own fingers playing on the table, tapping the surface with a nervous rhythm.

Sebastian paused to think about it, watching his own fingers. Maybe some things would be better off kept to himself. He never talked about his feelings but it was too late now, he'd already come out with some things secretive.
"All different things I suppose. I don't think it would be very hard to guess." he implied, glancing back at John as the other man spoke.

"I haven't thought much about it. I don't notice people or else I just don't like the look of them. But, if I think about it, I don't care much about relationships. Mine got interrupted so much I just stopped bothering."

John shrugged impatient, "Like fucking him? Jerking him off?" he asked, the doctor wasn't one for turn of phrases, he was curious now, he wanted to know.

"I am not talking about relationships, I am talking about sex," he commented, and laughed a bit. "Are you attracted to men or not? Was it just him?"

"Obviously. I'd make sure he wouldn't be walking properly for weeks." he joked, listening to John's endless questions.

"I don't think so, maybe it was just him. I suppose it would depend on what the man was like."

The words sent a chill running up his spine, not walking properly for weeks, why did that sound extremely arousing? John knew he had changed in the last two years, but he had no idea he gained a masochistic streak to himself.

He knew that it was a shot in the dark, but John's head was buzzed now, and he didn't think he had anything to lose.
"What about me?"

Sebastian stopped drumming his fingers at that last question and stared at John, quite shocked but curious. It was just three words but they seemed to block his mind from anything else.
John seriously wasn't interested in him, was he? Maybe it didn't really mean anything. It was just a question after all.

"Well, I suppose I do like you." he answered, smiling lightly.

John couldn't help the laugh at the other man's gracious words. "Sebastian, you are a gentleman after all," he commented, but his eyes turned intense as he leaned farther on the table.

"I don't give a damn if you like me, I want to know whether you would fuck me until I can't walk straight," he said, his voice dropping low. "That's what I want to know."

"Glad you noticed." he joked, rolling his eyes but still laughing gently.

Sebastian stared back at John seriously, leaning on the table himself so he was at eye level with the other man. "Is this you or the drink talking?" he asked sarcastically, raising his eyebrow and his own voice falling into a whisper. "Because I wouldn't mind at all..."

John smirked, he couldn't believe his ears, he had thought he'd get a punch just for suggesting this, instead Sebastian was leaning closer and his voice was low and sensual.
Damn.

"Does it matter?" he replied, licking his lips. "I might be a bit tipsy, and we might regret it in the morning... but as of now I want you to take me, whether in the back alley of this pub or in your apartment, I do not give a damn."

Sebastian returned the smirk, watching John curiously. He couldn't deny the fact that they were both flirting, it was certainly obvious. Again, he lowered his voice so it was now barely audible and nothing but a whisper.

"I don't think the alley is the best place for it." he mentioned, also not thinking his apartment was the best place to go either. If John found out anything secretive he could tell anyone where he happened to live and Sebastian would be done for. Especially when he had worked for Moriarty and murdered people.
"Maybe your place is a better idea." he suggested, watching the other man closely.