I am not dead, are you? (SherlockXMoriarty PostRBF)

" The fact we are together has nothing to do with Sherlock forgetting about you. He mentioned your name every day, John. You're jumping into conclusions. I understand your anger but you need to calm down now, for your own health." Jim said. He couldn't believe he was thinking about John's health now. He couldn't believe he was actually cornered about it.

John's eyes widened at Jim's words, was the man concerned about him? It was ridiculous!
"You... you... you filthy liar! How dare you talk about my health? I would be perfectly fine if you hadn't meddled in the first place!" he snapped, his face burning red.

Sherlock stepped in front of Jim, his eyes worried and restless on John. "Please, John, calm down! He is... he is worried about me... he knows I care... just... calm down..."

John stepped back, overwhelmed by his crazy feelings. "You lied to me, Sherlock..."

"I didn't want to make you worse..." he confessed, bowing his head.

"How can I even trust you again? All you do is lying to me..." whimpered John, his voice shaking.

Jim felt guilt slowly eating him up on the inside. He knew John was right and all of this was his fault. His eyes fell down, looking at his own feet uncomfortable as he accepted John's word. He had no right to be here, he figured.

He felt Sherlock move, stepping in front of him as a sort of protection. His eyes fluttered back up. "Just stop this." He snapped at the moment John insulted Sherlock once more. "If anyone is to blame, it's me. Sherlock did everything for you, John. Everything. You want to take your anger out? Take it out on me, not on him!" He said furious, breaking free from Sherlock's hand and stepping up to John.

John's eyes sparkled dangerously as Jim moved in front of him. "Defending Sherlock as if you were a knight in shining armour, are you?" He snorted, hands balling to fists on his sides.

"I could kill you for all you've done and no one would blame me," he hissed, making Sherlock jump to their sides. "Please John, calm down," he pleaded, aggravated, for the first time in his life he had no idea what to do.

"You want to kill me? Go on then, kill me. I am standing right here." Jim provocatively spoke louder. "But know that if you do so, Sherlock goes through the same as you went through." At least Jim hoped so.

The situation seemed to be spinning out of control and there still was only one person to blame. Jim only now started to realize how deep his cuts have been, he had left people wounded and scarred for the rest of their lives.

A flicker of pain crossed John's anger in that moment, "What do you think you know about my feelings?" He muttered, stepping back, unclenching his fists and rubbing his sweaty hands on his jumper. "This could be another game to you for all I know, another way to hurt Sherlock and burn his heart... I am not going to let you do that..."

Sherlock looked at John sadly, his hand instinctively moving to squeeze John's wrist affectionately, even in his anger, John was still a good man, and nothing was going to change that.

"What do I know?" Jim exclaimed. "I spent months alone in an hotel room, waiting for Sherlock to come home from spending every day with you. Hoping you'd finally get better. If I wanted to burn Sherlock, I would have done so months ago." Jim hoped John would, one day, understand and have peace with them being together, but right now it seemed like it would be another long, painful process.

As Sherlock grabbed his friend wrists, Jim felt nothing. Months ago he would have turned jealous instantly but right now he just felt sorry for John.

John's eyes widened, the information making him think back to Sherlock's limp on his first day back, it made him think about all those little things that had made Sherlock different during the last months, and those things that had told him that his friend was happy with his boyfriend.
He couldn't believe he had been with Jim all this time.

"You are messed up... the both of you... you are crazy... possibly insane, sick," he said, and pulled away from Sherlock's touch, making him sigh miserably.

"I think this dinner is cancelled," he said, and glared at Jim. "Go away," he hissed, before turning to Sherlock. "You too, go away."

Sherlock looked at him desperately. "John..."

Jim sigh, willing to protest but knowing that if he did, things would only get worse. He glanced over to Sherlock, seeing the pain on his face and knowing he was torn inside. Jim's chest filled with more guilt than it had before.

"I'll just.." He said, motioning his hands towards the door. "I'm sorry." He muttered, not sure whether he addressed it to Sherlock or John.

John scoffed, "Yeah, right, I am sure you are," he hissed, looking pointedly at the door, willing him to just go. He needed to be alone, he needed to think.

Sherlock tried to step closer. "John, we need to talk about this," he muttered, gaining another glare from John.

"Piss off," he replied, annoyed by the caring side Sherlock was suddenly showing him. It was still hard to comprehend, how Sherlock had stopped being cold.

"John, please, don't shut me out," he pleaded, but John didn't seem to want to have any of it.

"Leave me alone!"

Sherlock looked at him with tears in his eyes, but he nodded. "O-okay," he whispered, stepping back, looking at Jim, needy to see his eyes, to know he was there.

Jim stood witnessing the scene. He was torn between staying for Sherlock and leaving the room as John commanded him to. As Sherlock's eyes met his, he stared right back at them. His eyes couldn't answer what Sherlock's asked them, he didn't know whether they had to stay or go. Jim thought perhaps Sherlock wanted to be alone with John to talk things over, to explain his feelings without Jim being there to upset John all of the time.

"I'll leave, but John please. Listen to Sherlock. He ... I.. mean no harm." He said pleading before he turned around and left the room.

Once outside he sighed deep, his back falling against the wall and his own hands ruffling his hair. He had hoped things had gone different. He wished he had never torn John's heart out as badly as he had.

John relaxed imperceptibly when Jim left the room, and Sherlock noticed, taking care of the moment to step closer.
"I am sorry, John, I am sorry about everything," he said, while John stubbornly looked away.

"I am sorry for faking my death, I am sorry for not being able to understand your feelings before, I am sorry for not being there for you," he muttered, his expression stricken and hurt.

"I am sorry for falling in love with him, I knew what he did and I still did... it's just... he... gets me... and it's selfish and all, but I can't help it..." he explained, his eyes turning pleading.

"He is a murderer," protested John, his lips curled in a disgusted grimace.

"I know," Sherlock mumbled, looking down. "But he's not any more... he chose me over his job, John... you have to give him that..."

John shook his head. "Just go, Sherlock, I need time to process this..."

The detective nodded, knowing there wasn't much he could do. "I don't want to lose you, John, you're the only friend I have..."

The doctor stiffened. "You have him now," he said coldly.

Sherlock frowned. "He's not you, John," he muttered and when he realized his friend was not going to talk any more, he walked to the door and outside, smiling sadly at Jim when he saw him waiting there.

Jim waited, all different kinds of thoughts crossing his mind. He wondered what Sherlock would do if John made him chose between the both of them. His heart throbbing painfully as he thought that might be the end of their relationship.

When he heard the door open, he looked up and weakly smiled back. He sighed and he stretched out his arms and wrapped them around Sherlock's middle. "I am so sorry." He whispered against his boyfriend's shirt.

Sherlock's heart felt dark and heavy, and even when Jim wrapped his arms around him, the now familiar warmth that spread in his chest when they were close was not enough to make him feel better.

"Let's go home," he muttered, placing a soft kiss on Jim's forehead, taking in his scent and trying hard to calm down. "I knew this was going to happen, I know John," he muttered, closing his eyes for a while. He had hoped he was wrong though, he had wished things would be easier.

The fact that Jim's arms around Sherlock left him nearly unmoved wasn't a good sign at all. A weak smile, followed by a nod in reply was all he gave. He could see sadness and disappointment dripping from the other's face.

"He needs time." Jim whispered as he dropped himself next to Sherlock in the taxi. "He'll be fine within a few weeks." He tried to sound reassuring, not even certain if the words he was saying were true. His hand slipped into Sherlock, squeezing it tightly.

"I'm sorry." He whispered.

Sherlock nodded, but didn't reply. Yes, John needed time, but Sherlock wasn't sure his friend would forgive him at all.
"Don't apologize, Jim, I know... I know you are sorry," he whispered, leaning to rest his head on his shoulder, watching the familiar streets outside the window.

"I don't really deserve to be forgiven," he admitted suddenly. "I hurt him more than anyone else in his life, whether I wanted it or not doesn't really matter... God knows he doesn't deserve any of this."

The silence between them had became painful by now. Jim just sat there, holding his lover's hand while trying to ignore the itchiness of Sherlock's curls against his temple.
The words he spoke after a moment came across painful. They reached Jim's heart in such a way, it felt like breaking.

"Don't say those things." Jim whispered. "I made you jump. I made him go through it all, just to get to you." He said, regretting every little thing he had done in the past. "If there's anything who doesn't deserve any of this. It's me. I don't deserve your love. I don't deserve John even trying to be okay with this."

Sherlock looked up surprised at Jim's words, somehow he hadn't really thought about his part in the ordeal, it felt like an old matter to him, something he had gotten over a long time ago. "Don't say that, Jim, you are..." he took in a shaky breath. "You've done those things, but you regret them now, you are doing something good now, you are a good man now," he muttered, squeezing his hand.

"What I did to John is unforgivable, but the worst thing is that I didn't even mean to do it... if I hurt him when I don't even want to, how can I be sure it won't happen again? I've broken him in all possible ways, what else can I do? I am dangerous to him," he closed his eyes for a moment. "What if he tries to-" he stopped, knowing he couldn't say it. "I need to text Mycroft, I need to tell him to upgrade the security status..."

"I'm not a good man, Sherlock. My actions have scarred people. I have blood of innocent people dripping from my hands. Even now, when I'm trying, I'm still in bad guy on their eyes." Their.. John's.. Anyone else who knew about his past life. No matter how hard he'd try, it would always hunt him down somehow.

Jim pulled Sherlock closer, stroking his hair in a cheap attempting to comfort his lover. "Sherlock, please." He whispered. "Calm down. He needs time to process this. Just think about yourself, you needed a lot to get used to my presence." He tried, hoping it would be any use. "If texting Mycroft will make you feel better, please do." He said, shifting a bit to give Sherlock the space he needed.

"Maybe I just talk to John alone some time. Do you think.. Do you think it would be a good idea? I can show him I won't harm him without you near? I can try and win his trust step by step?" IT was the only possible thing Jim could think of right now.

"Don't say that, at least you've done something about it..." He muttered and took in a deep breath, trying to calm down. "You are right, yes, he needs time," he said and took out his mobile. "I just want to make sure he won't do something stupid..."

He texted Mycroft quickly and then put his phone away again. He frowned at Jim's suggestion, "I am not sure I trust /him/ with you... But we can't do anything now, we have to wait until he decides what to do..."

He looked at Jim, grey eyes filled with sincerity. "Thank you, Jim... For your support, for not being jealous, for trusting me..."

Jim nodded. Sherlock was right, John could easily blow Jim's brains out when facing him alone. He had tried to find his gun even with Sherlock there, after all.

Gently jim squeezed his hand. He couldn't completely deny he hadn't been jealous or upset about everything. But he had forvced the thoughts out. He had to be supportive and seeing the sadness that lingered in his boyfriend's eyes, his heart told him he was doing the right thing.

“It's fine.“ He whispered. “I love you, and I don't like seeing you like this. It saddens me.“ He spoke gently before placing a kiss in Sherlock's hair, resting his chin on it afterwards.

Sherlock sighed as he was pulled closer, he relaxed against him, enjoying the warmth even through his pained heart. "This must be what people are always talking about... what people look for..." he muttered, taking in a deep breath.

"Love," he whispered, "Now I know why people are so desperate about it, why they can't live without it." He caressed his lover's side, taking in his scent.
"I love you, Jim... and that's what makes it worse... as much as I hurt John with this, I can't... I can't regret it..."

Jim sighed, still resting his chin on his lover's soft curls. "Love's a strange thing, Sherlock." Jim replied, not sure what other he could say.

"Sometimes with love, you've got to be selfish." Jim started. "You have to do what makes you happy, not what makes other's happy. It's about your own good." He knew just how hard these words might sound, but they were true, at least in Jim's opinion they were.
"And if the other person..John.. Really cares about you, really loves you, He'll eventually be happy for you. He'd support your decisions, as long as you're happy with them."

Sherlock nodded, not sure what else to say, he knew Jim was right, somehow, he agreed, but he couldn't really explain why. He had no idea how love was, this was his only experience and it was already quite confusing.

"I just want things to get normal again... I was enjoying having the both of you in my life, I don't want to lose John..." he admitted, and sighed. "I just hope he won't cut me out... and that I will stop hurting him..."

He took in a deep breath. "I guess he needs someone as well..."

Jim sighed, it was more then obvious Sherlock's mind was only thinking about John right now. And Jim couldn't even be mad at him for that. "Things will be normal again, honey." He whispered, gently letting his finger stroke through Sherlock's curls.

"And you're right. John just might need someone to keep him company." 0Jim agreed with Sherlock. It would take John's focus of him. "But right now, give him some time."